How often do you say 'I'm sorry'?
How often do you apologise for yourself, for being a certain way?
My coaching clients often say “I’m sorry.” They might be sorry for feeling sad, for crying, for feeling annoyed, out of sorts, low… Sorry for being tired, sorry for struggling, sorry for needing to rest vs being social.
I gently ask them: Right now, what are you sorry for exactly? Are you sorry for being you and having these feelings? Are you sorry for being human and vulnerable?
There is absolutely no need to feel sorry for who we are - it's the most unkind and painful thing we can do to ourselves. A self-critical, self-denying attitude hems us in, keeps us small and stops us from being fully in the world with all our good qualities and shortcomings.
So why do we do it, where does this mindset come from? Why don’t we grow up learning to respect and appreciate ourselves more?
The mindset is largely universal and habitual, with greater prevalence in some cultures over others.
Indeed, many of us grow up with the message to put others first and we may have watched our parents apologising for themselves. Few of us will have learned from an early age that we must treat and care for ourselves well, that we must respect and appreciate ourselves. Instead, we grow up believing that when we do, we are selfish or self-indulgent. This is far from true.
Apologising for ourselves undermines our sense of wellbeing, our sense of self-worth. It denies our being human - that we are allowed to have feelings and make mistakes.
When we respect ourselves, we have more to give to others, we can live from a deeper place of knowing ourselves, we can be more humble, authentic and honest.
When we are in loving relationship with ourselves, we don’t feel sorry for who we are. We are able to discern when we have done or said something that hurt someone and to recognise that it was not okay.
This happens to us all – we all make mistakes. And when this happens we don’t have to go into the ‘shame vortex’ but we can instead make amends, take responsibility for our actions and truly apologise and feel sorry for what we said or did and move on.
What would happen if we stopped apologising and feeling sorry for who we are and how we feel as often as we do?
How would you feel if you stopped saying “I am sorry”?
How would you feel in relationship to others, your family, children, colleagues, friends…?
How would it change how they see you?
Try this practice for a week
Pay attention to how often you say I’m sorry – perhaps write them down. Also notice where, when and with whom you do it most? At work, at home, in your social life, with certain people? This can be very different depending on the environment we are in.
Be discerning here. Do you have something to be sorry for or is it your habit of apologising for yourself and by doing so, putting yourself down?
If you are putting yourself down, take these simple steps to change the habit:
1. Notice what it feels like in the body
2. Notice what it feels like emotionally
3. Take a few deep breaths
4. Acknowledge the habit and let it go
5. You could say to yourself: There is no need to be sorry for myself. It’s okay to feel x, y, z. It’s okay to need time to myself. It’s okay to have an ‘off’ day’. I am human. Other people feel this way…
Need a little help? Get in touch. Email me karen@greenspacecoaching.com or call 07815 591279 to book your free initial coaching conversation while walking in Victoria Park, East London or via phone or video call.
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