I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.
Ho’oponopono is a Hawaiian forgiveness prayer I first heard of from my friend and colleague, David, some years ago. He reminded me of this in his reply to my first post of 2022, saying that it has helped him get through the past few years.
I’ve heard Ho’oponopono described as a a prayer, a chant, and a mantra. I’d say it’s all three. Each sentence covers four simple steps - repentance, asking forgiveness, gratitude and love. I’d describe it as leaning into Universal Love, with grace. Others explain it better.
When I first looked it up, I saw it was a prayer of forgiveness and wondered whether I was ready to forgive those who I felt had wronged me, and/or those close to me. I wasn’t sure. I also wasn’t really thinking of forgiveness then, in the way I think about it now.
Practising forgiveness
I used to think forgiving someone meant excusing whatever behaviour had crossed my boundaries and that any apology, however insincere, meant I should keep them in my life. I now have a different understanding. It is possible to forgive someone from a distance. Forgiveness doesn’t equal a free pass to repeat the same boundary crossing behaviour. It simply means (for me) that I understand where the behaviour comes from, and that we’re all only doing our best with what we know. Sometimes that ‘best’ is objectively damaging, and sometimes it may simply be that each person’s version of doing their best, just doesn’t work well together.
True forgiveness can often also come with the sad realisation that it may be best to continue your life’s journey on a separate path, practising forgiveness as you move along. To forgive is a verb, it’s not something you do once and you’re done. We say ‘practising forgiveness’ because it takes practice.
I tend to use water not only to clean my physical body, but also as a soul cleansing ritual. I love swimming when I can, but otherwise, daily (or sometimes twice daily in tough times) baths or showers offer a space for self-care, a moment to breathe, to meditate, and to reflect on the shadows as I try to push them behind me. Sometimes I listen to music, others I just lose myself in the warming, womb-like embrace of being surrounded by water. One day recently, when this didn’t soothe my soul, I tried chanting this prayer out loud.
I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.
At first it felt fake. ‘Who am I saying sorry to?’ I’d think as I spoke, ‘What for? And who am I thanking?’ but I persevered and as I did so, I opened up. I realised the missing step so many of us skip over when trying too hard to be forgiving. First and foremost, it was myself I needed to forgive, before I could extend that compassion to others.
We are all in some way responsible for the part we play in everything that happens to us. Whether it’s something we did ‘wrong’, a misunderstanding / miscommunication, allowing people to ignore our personal boundaries (thus teaching them how to treat us), or simply how we think about things, even if we’re not responsible at the time, we are always responsible for what we do next. Do we hold a grudge? Or simply save that energy to focus on our own healing?
Show up, Let Go
This self-forgiveness and acceptance is, ironically, not in my comfort zone. It stretches me, makes me feel icky. I find it easier to hold space for others than for myself. But, my mantra for 2022 is all about showing up and letting go. In my post sharing this, I said I needed to let go of what others think of me. I now also need to let go - or at least change - what I think of me, to something less critical, something more forgiving.
What do you need to forgive yourself for this year? And how much energy will you save as you begin to extend that compassion to others?
If you connected with these words in any way, please hit the little hands below! And leave a comment if you feel moved to do so. I am always up for new connections.
